3 Life-Changing Lessons I've Learned about People-Pleasing
Some truths I've learned the hard way.
People-pleasers, unite! It’s me, you, and so many wonderful people. Over the past 7+ years I’ve been healing from trauma, I’ve had to learn some hard lessons about people-pleasing. That’s what I’m here to share with you today.
1. People-pleasing can be a remnant of a very real and valid survival strategy within abusive dynamics: the fawn response.
My abuse survivors, I am speaking directly to you when I say that people-pleasing may have once helped you survive experiences where you were constantly made to feel unsafe or unacceptable when being yourself.
When I was in an abusive relationship over a decade ago, it slowly became clear to me through the transition from being love-bombed to abused that who I was was wrong, bad, and dangerous.
The clothes I wore, the things I said, the friends I saw, the hobbies I did, the classes I took, the choices I made—EVERYTHING I did became a target for ridicule, humiliation, and abuse.
So what would anyone do in response to this? For me, it was to try to make the pain stop by altering my personality and choices to match what the abuser (who claimed to love me soooo much) would want from me. Our bodies feel unsafe in dynamics like this (because we are unsafe) and tell our brains to fix it, and our brains come up with a brilliant plan to appease the one hurting us, in hopes that it will make them stop.
This isn't stupid or foolish. It is intelligent and makes a lot of sense.
AND, the fawn response can lead to people-pleasing that goes on for years or decades, even after you manage to get out of an abusive relationship and into safe and healthy ones.
People-pleasing, or trying to make sure everyone around you approves of you, is a way our brains once learned to stay safe. But maybe we don't need it anymore, because it actually is safe to be ourselves now.
2. People-pleasing can lead to intense resentment and exhaustion.
It’s been over five years since I first dove into the Enneagram. As a type 2 wing 3, I am known as “The Helper” (aka people-pleaser) with a side of “The Achiever” (aka overachiever). So when I talk about people-pleasing, you know I am speaking from personal experience!
One of the main things the Enneagram type 2 is warned about is their propensity to abandon their own needs in favor of helping others meet theirs. Type 2s want to be known as helpful, kind, and supportive. Great! Delightful! Until it comes at the price of sacrificing yourself for others.
In unhealthy relationships, this desire to help others can be taken advantage of in an extreme way. People-pleasers are likely to be exploited and used by those who seek power and control within relationships.
In healthy relationships, the person a type 2 or people-pleaser is with will likely deeply appreciate their help and support but will not be on a quest for power and control. They not only don’t want to exploit or exhaust you, but they also will not always want or need that support and help, which can be a tough pill to swallow.
If you form your entire identity around helping others, what happens when they don’t want your help or don’t reciprocate in exactly the same way you do? Resentment, bitterness, and exhaustion.
It’s no fun to face your shadow, but when you see the shadow side of people-pleasing is a combination of exhaustion from always denying your own needs and resentment when your partner/friend doesn’t read your mind and reciprocate care in the exact way you would, you can learn a lot about yourself.
In my opinion, putting boundaries on our empathy and limits to our helpfulness is a great way to still honor our desire to care for and please those we love without burning out along the way. Being direct about our expectations from others and open to other ways of existing in the world besides our own is a great way to give in relationships. This approach prevents the bitterness that comes from not receiving what we want without ever letting anyone know.
3. People-pleasing keeps you from the kind of connection you truly desire in relationships.
Outside of the whole trauma response and childhood conditioning thing, people-pleasing is often done to ensure connection within our relationships (romantic and otherwise).
There is nothing pathological or wrong about wanting to be liked, loved, valued, and appreciated. Most people desire these things. So using people-pleasing as a way to achieve these normal human desires makes a lot of sense. We can “earn” gratitude and appreciation through our people-pleasing. But when it comes to the kind of connection we truly desire—to feel seen and known for who we authentically are—people-pleasing might not get us there.
If someone only loves you for your helpfulness or ability to please them, they don’t fully know you. You might feel that the love they give is conditional on your ability to do things or be someone who makes them happy. That’s all fine and good, but what about the rest of you? The messy, problematic, paradoxical parts you don’t want anyone to see? The shameful parts you hide away? The bad days, the insecurities, the fears?
When you only show someone one aspect of yourself, you will never feel fully known or loved by them. You will never feel fully connected.
I know because I’ve been there. And it took a long time for me to break out of the habit of only showing my friends and partner the “good,” helpful sides of me.
But over the years, I’ve gradually let my full human self show up in my closest relationships (and if I’m being real, in my online presence too!) And now when someone says they care about or love me, I know they mean the real me. And I can trust that connection.
If you feel called out right now…
I SEE YOU. And I don’t think you’re doomed to be stuck in these people-pleasing behaviors forever.
I created Coming Home To Yourself to help you gain awareness of the masks you wear, such as people-pleasing, peacemaking, and overachieving, see the real you beneath these masks, and slowly start letting your true, authentic self be seen and known by safe others.
The next live Coming Home To Yourself group starts this month on the 23rd, and you can get early bird pricing now through the 11th! I can’t wait to get started with the next group of folks ready to let go of the masks that keep them feeling stuck and disconnected.
If you’re not interested in a live group version, I also have a self-paced course as well! Check that out here.
With care and gratitude for your authentic self,
Emmy