Coercion is not consent.

It's not consensual if you're too scared to say no.

A quick note:

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Hey. This is a serious topic that means a lot to me, and I hope that by sharing my story, other survivors will feel less shame and more compassion for themselves. All that to say, this post will contain mentions of sexual abuse. Take care of yourself and don’t read if you’re not in a place to do so <3

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I could (and have) try to soften the truth in a number of different ways. But the cold, hard reality is: my first HUNDREDS of sexual experiences were not consensual. And I didn’t even really understand I was a victim of sexual abuse until YEARS after it ended, because I didn’t (usually) try to make it stop in a clear and direct way. I didn’t fight him off. Many times, I didn’t even say no.

But just because someone isn’t resisting or putting up a fight, doesn’t mean an experience can’t be abusive or traumatic.

me at 16. love her.

This brings me to the topic of coercion vs. consent.

Consent is the approval and agreement to something freely. Without pressure, force, or manipulation being a part of the agreement.

Coercion occurs when someone manipulates, pressures, guilt-trips, or threatens another person into agreeing to something.

It seems clear to me now that these two concepts are very, very different.

But unfortunately, it seems like the world we live in is still pretty ignorant of the ways that abuse survivors are pressured into doing things they don’t want to do. We still think a victim is to blame unless they literally fight off someone trying to assault them, but when they do that, they’re often incarcerated for their efforts at self-defense.

I digress. I truly don’t know how to change the huge systems we live within, but I do feel called to help the people in this community understand that they are not to blame for the abuse they experienced, even if they permitted what happened. Giving someone “permission” under pressure is a mechanism of survival, and is not the same as enthusiastic, freely given consent.

Coercion might happen during a one-time event, but it also often happens within ongoing relationships, where attachment has built, some trust is established, and there’s a desire to maintain the relationship. You might be completely in love with someone to the point where you can’t imagine life without them when they start using coercion on you. You might be so convinced they’re your soulmate that you feel obligated to make them happy, even at the expense of your sense of safety. Coercion that happens in ongoing, attached relationships might not feel as obvious or violent in the moment as it does in one-time events.

So, on that note, let’s get into some examples of what coercion sounds like:

Anger when you say no:

• “You’re ruining the whole night for us!”

• “You said you wanted to earlier!”

• “Why are you leading me on!”

• “I don’t want to be with someone who’s not even interested in having sex with me.” “You know what happens when you piss me off…”

• *being cursed out and beyond*

Guilt tripping and sadness when you say no:

• “But I thought you loved me…”

• “But I just need you so badly.”

• “I just don’t feel loved by you anymore… if you really loved me, you’d do this for me.”

• “Everyone’s partner wants to be with them… I guess I’m just not good enough for you.”

Whether the tone is angry, sad, or passive-aggressive, these statements are designed to manipulate you into giving them what they want.

And when you give in, pushing past your “no” to give them what they’re seeking, it’s easy to feel like you’re to blame for the trauma you may develop after. You might feel complicit in your own dehumanization because you didn’t say no, or you even convinced yourself that you were okay with it at the time. BELIEVE ME, I’VE BEEN THERE.

Abuse is insidious. It’s so much more complex than “yes” or “no,” despite what the world wants us to think. When your self-worth is at level 0, you’ll say yes to things that you never imagined you’d say yes to. But when that yes is the product of coercion or survival, it’s not consent. You are not to blame for the abuse you’re enduring.

TO BE CLEAR: it’s okay to have sexual and physical needs. But your partner is NOT obligated to fulfill those needs for you. There are other ways to get your needs met, and choosing to no longer be in a relationship with someone who has mismatched needs from you is a legitimate choice you are allowed to make. But manipulating someone into having sex with you is coercion, and it’s not okay. Threatening someone with harm, abandonment, or humiliation if they don’t have sex with you is abusive.

Dear survivor,

I’m so sorry if you feel seen by this post. PLEASE know: you never deserved it, and you’re not alone. There are so many of us who have lived through these horrific events and have found safety, healing, and community on the other side. I don’t have THE answer for you, but I sure do care about you, and hope you know there are a tremendous number of trauma-informed professionals who are dedicated to helping you rise from the ashes.

If you’re open to support, here are some of my favorite directories to find someone to work with:

The Embody Lab

NARM Directory

While I’m not qualified to help folks in crisis, I am here for your post-traumatic growth arc. You can learn more about working with me here.

With care always,
Emmy