How Abuse Taught Me To Over-Give In Relationships

My story, and something for you!

If you’re anything like me, trauma taught you to lean on the characteristics of codependency. Or perhaps it wasn’t trauma. Perhaps it was being raised as a girl to become a woman whose role in life was to give, serve, provide.

Photo by Silvestri Matteo on Unsplash

Content note: mentions of various forms of abuse. Not graphic.

Let’s get this straight from the beginning: I’m not here to advocate for the idea that we don’t owe each other anything, or that we should all be completely independent islands in connection to no one. As you’ll hear over the coming weeks, I am quite passionate about finding the middle ground: the realm of interdependence.

But for now, let’s chat about over-giving, a hallmark trait of codependency and (in my opinion) female conditioning in America (and beyond, I’m sure).

How Abuse Leads to Over-Giving

In my experience, being in an abusive relationship taught me quite quickly that I could earn scraps of that ever-elusive love and affection if I gave to him: my time, energy, empathy, money, body. When you’re deeply attached to someone who is slowly becoming abusive, you’re always hoping for the return of the honeymoon (love-bombing) phase, where everything felt golden. So you think (and he tells you) that all you have to do is give, and that euphoric bliss will return. All will be joyful and loving once more.

What starts as giving an hour of your evening to a phone call turns into being forced to talk until 2 am when you have to get up at 6.

What starts as hooking up once in a while (I was 15) turns into sex 3 times a day, whenever he wants it.

What starts as he wants to borrow 5 bucks turns into taking out $200 when your total bank account is at $1000. Probably so he can buy drugs, although he says it’s for something really important and you’re a terrible girlfriend if you don’t help him out.

It doesn't happen overnight, but in time you start to recognize that you seem to be wasting away. You hardly sleep anymore, you barely see your friends, you don’t have control over your passwords or bank account or body. You are keeping a relationship alive at the cost of your sense of self. You are over-giving to the point of total depletion.

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

I know this is an extreme example. I also know this is my life, and I’m not the only one.

Perhaps over-giving for you hasn’t been done under such abusive conditions. Perhaps you were simply conditioned by your culture or family to believe that sacrifice is what makes you a good person (or woman). Perhaps you found belonging and connection through being of service, through pleasing others.

Either way, perhaps you’re tired of it now.

Perhaps it’s become exhausting to always think of others first. Maybe you’re tired of feeling like no one really knows you because you live as a reflection of them. Are you exhausted because of how busy you keep yourself? Are you drained by the constant sacrifice? Is it hard to feel centered when your focus revolves around the needs of others?

If so, I feel you. I have been there so, so acutely.

Over-Giving Helps Us Survive

Abuse and trauma taught me to please people. This behavior helped me stay alive, helped me keep going. I am no longer ashamed of the ways I embodied codependency, and I urge you to give some compassion towards your past self. You were doing the best you could.

After a solid 8 years of working to shift away from these dynamics in my relationships and learning to embody interdependence, I’ve arrived here. I have the pleasure of working with clients on topics like taking up space, honoring their needs, and resisting the urge to sacrifice their authentic selves to achieve connection.

Resources For You

In response to this need I see in so many of us, I created a couple of new resources. The first one is my brand new *free* journal guide, Over-Giving to Inner Peace.

This free journal guide will help you:

✨ Gain awareness of your relationship patterns without judgment or shame
✨ Reconnect with your own needs and self-worth
✨ Take small, actionable steps toward healthy, balanced relationships

Download it for free here.

A larger offering is coming so soon, but you can check it out first when you grab the journal guide.

I hope this resource serves you well, and you feel encouraged to both respect the origins of your people-pleasing and step away from this way of existing within relationships. You deserve more.

With hope and gratitude,

Emmy