How My Relationship Changed When I Embraced Being A Trauma Survivor
Breaking Free from Shame and Masks to Foster Authentic Connection
Today I wanted to share some of my personal experiences with transforming my relationships as a trauma survivor.
As you may or may not know, I have been with my partner Luke for 7.5 years now. We got married this October, and I’m incredibly proud of our relationship. It has taken work, but has never felt like a source of fear or intense hardship. Rather, it’s been a container for me to learn about what safe love really is. As an abuse survivor, it’s a big deal to me to have a healthy relationship and now marriage. I feel safe and welcome to be myself, even on the bad days. But the truth is, I didn’t always feel that way, and that’s not due to anything on Luke’s part.
In today’s post, I’m sharing how our relationship has evolved as I’ve embraced my reality as a trauma survivor. I hope this is helpful for all my survivors out there who feel scared or ashamed of their past, especially within the context of relationships now. You are not alone!
But before we dive in… I wanted to let you know that my course, Blooming Relationships, is back and better than ever! Early bird prices are available now until March 28th, so read all about it and join us if you’re feeling called!
How it Started:
When I first met Luke, I was barely staying afloat in an ocean of shame.
Things were easy enough in our relationship at first. Because I knew how to perform. My relationship strategy until that point was simple: be whoever the person I was with wanted me to be and achieve any amount of love and affection I could.
So when I first met Luke, I leaned on that strategy. He liked craft beer? Me too. He seemed chill and laid back? Oh big same (😅). In reality, I would take at least 2 shots of whiskey before every date, needing to intoxicate myself enough to cope with the anxiety of getting to know someone.
Be myself in a relationship? Ummmmm… I didn't even really know what that meant.
So that strategy of being a chameleon served me for a time. I was charming, fun, easy to get along with. We saw each other a couple of times a week instead of merging our lives like I had done with everyone else I dated in the past. That was weird. But not unpleasant. At this point, I desperately didn't want to repeat the cycle of trauma I had developed from my past relationships. I was so tired of being taken advantage of in relationships, of being miserable but hiding it. I was ready for something new.
But one thing about the slowness of our early relationship was that it left me with space. And in that space, the high of the chemistry between us and my performance of being a cool, chill, fun girl (and literal high of weed and booze) would fade away, and I'd be left with myself and the weight of the past 6 years of trauma and dysfunction I experienced in relationships. Because at this point, I hadn't taken ANY time to heal from the abusive relationship I was a part of in high school or the one I had in college that was also incredibly toxic.
So without being able to merge into Luke's life, and cPTSD growing to a fever pitch, I was left to face myself. In silence. In isolation. In an hour of therapy every other week, yes. But mostly alone.
I was living a double life. In one, I was fun, sweet, charming, and charismatic.
In the other, I was drowning in shame that told me I was a fucked up mess of a person who surely didn't deserve to be with such a genuinely kind, good guy.
And that shame I felt only confirmed my decision to continue to perform. I didn't tell Luke much about me. Sure, he knew what degree I got in college and what I liked to do for fun. But he didn’t really know what took up the majority of my mental space. And beyond that, I didn't show him much of whatI really felt. Besides a couple moments of feeling obligated to say something when I was triggered, Luke didn't know all that much about the real me, the struggles I faced, the past that lived on inmy body. In fact, I didn't let him see these parts of me for YEARS.
What Changed:
Over the course of the next 3 years of our relationship, I finally learned how to show Luke, as well as the closest people in my life, some of the reality of what I was going through with complex ptsd. I realized that I wasn't going to be able to just “fix myself” in therapy without anyone ever knowing what I was going through.
When I finally learned about the reality of trauma: how it impacts the brain, body, and relationships, I finally had language to help describe my experience. I could tell Luke about how physical touch was often scary and anxiety-provoking for me, even though I loved him, instead of just cringing away without an explanation. I could make clear boundaries over communication and make sure we were on the same page for how often we'd plan to talk each day. I could simply be HONEST when I was having a bad day and *gasp* even ask for support!
All of this happened when I got the support I needed to see that trauma isn't a personal failure, and it's something I could learn to accommodate in my relationship instead of pretending it didn't exist.
Instead of the fragmented moments of connection I felt when I was my “good, cool, charming self”, I got to experience what it was like to actually be SEEN by the person I was romantically involved with. The person I loved who loved me too. I don't often talk about how much that deepened my experience of love for him, but it did. An incredible feeling of safety and connection arose when I was finally able to express myself instead of just the masks I'd learned to wear.
The truth about hiding your trauma or wearing masks in relationships is it can keep you safe. If you’ve learned that opening up to people is dangerous or going to lead to harm, abuse, or rejection, then of COURSE you’re not gonna want to do expose yourself to that.
But while hiding and masking might keep you safe, it can also waste a lot of your time in a relationship that will never leave you feeling fully seen and loved.
That’s not the kind of relationship I want for myself, you, or anyone else.
This story is a major reason why I created my course, Blooming Relationships.
Because while I felt all alone back then, I know for a FACT that I wasn't now. So many of us suffer in silence or revert back to unhealthy relationships because we simply don't have the tools, resources, and support we need.
That's why I made this:
Blooming Relationships Course
This 6 module course was designed to give you a step-by-step road map to creating and maintaining relationships that work for you and support your healing, instead of trying to contort yourself into a “fully healed” “normal” person in order to have meaningful connections to others. I’ve taken my past experiences as a trauma survivor navigating interpersonal relationships, as well as my training as a trauma-informed practitioner, and created this offering to help you thrive in relationships after trauma.
Blooming Relationships is open for enrollment now, with early bird prices available now through March 27th.
Click here to read all the details and sign up for the course!
There’s also a couple more days you can grab the replay of the Breaking the Cycle workshop (for free.99) and the workbook that comes with it!
With all the care and hope in my heart,
Emmy