Maybe you're not "playing the victim".
Maybe you're being honest about the fact that you are or were, indeed, a victim.
When I look back on the start of my healing journey, I remember a lot of internalized victim blaming. Telling myself I was being “too dramatic” and needed to “just get over it” already. This eventually morphed into acknowledging the abuse I endured was bad, but I needed to forgive my abuser if I ever wanted to heal.
Maybe you’ve been there? You’re not alone.
CW: some brief mentions of abuse later in the article
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Let’s be real, in the culture I live in here in the USA, the use of victim blaming and shaming is absolutely horrendous. There are many reasons why the systems in power benefit from silencing victims of violence and trauma, and there is also a lack of understanding of what trauma even is.
I get the unfortunate impression that many people in this country and beyond think that trauma is a choice. That victimhood is something survivors choose to cling to for attention. And LOOK, yes, there is such thing as playing the victim in a false and manipulative way. But I’d go ahead and say that NEARLY ALL survivors have absolutely no desire to continue to feel like a victim months, years, even decades after the harm they endured.
Every survivor I’ve ever met wants the trauma to go away. They want some sort of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind treatment where all their traumatic, painful, horrific memories would go away forever. They want to be free.
But the hard reality is that simply wanting trauma to go away doesn’t do much, if anything. I consider myself someone with a LOT of drive, motivation, and willpower. But I could not simply will my nervous system to heal any faster than it would. I could not “think different thoughts” to eliminate the paranoia or take the right supplement to make the nightmares go away.
Healing from trauma is possible, but it’s not merely a process of “letting go of your victim mindset.”
The liberating truth is you actually can take up as much space in your victimhood as you want. You can yell! You can cry! You can punch the punching bag! You can paint! Draw! Dance! Destroy (in a safe way please)! You can scream at the sky. You can tell everyone you know. You can tell no one at all. In whatever way you do it, you can express to yourself and the world that you, in fact, were a victim. Admitting that fact will not keep you stuck in victimhood. It will not hold you back from healing. It might just validate an experience that parts of you are desperately needing you to name.
When I started giving myself full permission to acknowledge that I was a victim of emotional, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse, a part of me felt newly seen. This was the part of me who had to hide all the pain behind long sleeves and a fake smile as she walked through the high school hallways. This was the part of me who had to pretend to enjoy the sex so it would hopefully end faster. This was the part of me who was constantly told how much worse it could be, and I should be grateful he didn’t burn my house down. This was the part of me who was a victim of intimate partner violence at the ages of 15-nearly 18.
When this part of me feels seen through my acknowledgment of my own victimhood, I feel more whole. I felt less like a broken mess who has to wear a mask to survive and belong. I feel connected to my truth, my reality. It feels like grief and relief at the same time.
The truth is, healing from abuse isn’t all about empowerment, thriving, and defying those who sought our demise. It’s also about grief and anger and disgust. It’s about giving ALL the parts of us a voice, including the parts of us who absolutely remember victimhood, and need that reality to be addressed.
So maybe you're not "playing the victim".
Maybe you're being honest about the fact that you are, or were, indeed, a victim.
Maybe you’re not over-exaggerating for attention.
Maybe it was that bad.
Maybe you don’t have to minimize what you went through.
Maybe you can be honest about your pain.
Your pain makes sense and deserves to take up space. If there’s anything I seek to offer everyone I work with or know personally, it’s the permission to give your pain space to breathe. I believe you and belive you deserve the space you need to process your victimhood. From there, may you rise.
With you in healing and rage,
Emmy