What Resentment Can Tell Us

& 5 steps to work through it.

I used to think that resentment was a deeply shameful emotion. When you’re someone who highly values compassion and relationships, anything related to the “anger” part of the feeling wheel can feel like a no-no.

But when I learned about the Enneagram, I came face to face with the reality of my resentment. I read about the shadow side of the Type 2 (my Enneagram type), when the desire to give runs out and the need to receive becomes an entitled, passive-aggressive demand, coated in resentment. Since the Type 2 archetype is all about being a helper, lover, and giver, I think there’s a tremendous amount of overlap with those of us who identify codependency as a part of our relational style.

Here’s what resentment can sound like:

Continuing to help others, but thinking inside, “I’ve done so much for them — and what do I get back?”

"If I stopped showing up, I wonder if anyone would even notice."

“I go out of my way for people, and no one even checks in on me."

"It’s fine. I’ll just do it myself — again."

Resonating? Been there. It doesn’t feel good to have these thoughts, and if you’re feeling this way, I see you.

Resentment is not a “bad” feeling. Resentment can clue us into where we are over-giving to others and ignoring ourselves and our needs.

Let’s unpack it.

i looked up “annoyed” on stock photos and this came up. i love it.

Here’s what resentment can look like:

For Enneagram Type 2s and other folks who relate to over-giving in relationships, resentment builds up when we feel unappreciated or taken for granted. Here's what it tends to look like:

• Unspoken expectations: You often give a lot to others, and then might expect love or appreciation in return without directly saying it. When you don’t get it or don’t get it in the way you want, resentment starts simmering.

• Feeling indispensable but unseen: You pride yourself on being needed, but over time, this can make you feel used — like people only come to you for help, not for who you are.

• Passive-aggressiveness: Instead of openly expressing frustration, you might withdraw your help or make sarcastic remarks, hoping others notice your unhappiness.

• Emotional exhaustion: All that giving without receiving can leave you drained, and you might feel bitter about always being the one to support others.

Underneath all of this is a core desire to be loved and wanted. What a normal, human need! But sometimes we about getting this need met in an ineffective way. Because people cannot read our minds, they cannot know what we are expecting unless we name it.

Resentment usually builds up when we give a lot to others but feel it’s not appreciated, reciprocated, or even noticed.

So what do we do? Clearly communicate? Maybe… or maybe we don’t express it right away because we don’t want to jeopardize the relationships or seem "selfish."🙃

And the resentment continues to build. And then we’re ashamed because we don’t want to be resentful. And all of it does not feel good.

another annoyed cat. idk, i’m going for it. Photo by 傅甬 华 on Unsplash

What do we do about resentment?

Firstly, I think it’s important to not think of resentment as an enemy, or an indication that we are bad people.

I think it’s helpful to think of resentment as an emotional messenger, here to tell us something isn’t feeling balanced in our relationships.

From there, we can explore what’s going on with curiosity, and without shame.

5 tips to work through resentment:

1. Recognize hidden motives
   Shadow work, baby! We have to inquire within: am I really giving to others just out of pure selflessness? Or is it because I want to feel valued, but I don’t know how to ask for that? This awareness is huge. It helps you see that your resentment isn’t just about others, but also about your own unmet needs.

2. Owning your needs and desires
   We can grow by learning to acknowledge and voice our needs openly, instead of hoping others will just intuitively meet them. When we express our feelings honestly, it relieves a lot of the internal pressure that causes resentment.

3. Setting healthy boundaries
   Resentment often comes from overextending ourselves. Learning to say no and set limits is essential. When we give from a place of genuine choice (not obligation), we feel freer and less resentful. Of course, obligation will pop up from time to time, but when we do have a choice, we can choose to say “no” if we’re at capacity and need to receive some care ourselves.

4. Letting go of expectation for return - or be clear you are expecting it
   Moving toward growth, we can give more cleanly, without the silent expectation of being “repaid” in love, attention, or care. I know some people commit to never expecting anything in return, but that’s not my style. I’ve found peace by being clear about my expectations: not in a transactional way, but in an honest way. Here’s a quick example from my marriage: instead of cooking dinner and just hoping my husband knows that it’s on him to clean up, I’ll directly name that’s what I’m expecting, and see if that works for him. Then we’re both on the same page, and no one has to read minds.

5. Self-care and self-compassion
   We learn to nurture ourselves rather than solely focusing on others for validation. This refills our emotional tank and reduces feelings of depletion and bitterness. I know self-care has become QUITE the marketing buzzword, but I still hold the belief that when you’ve been taught your well-being doesn’t matter as much as making someone else happy, learning to care for yourself is INCREDIBLE. We still need each other, but we can offer ourselves emotional care, too.

this cat is happy now, bc she stopped expecting everyone to read her mind, and started speaking up for her needs! Photo by Kate Stone Matheson on Unsplash

Moving forward

Let’s be real, shifting these patterns and working through resentment takes work. It’s not a quick, 5-step formula you can learn and instantly everything changes. That’s why I created The Art of Interdependence, where we’ll spend time going DEEP into these patterns to help you make a positive shift towards more secure relationships.

Here’s the vision: continuing to give, but starting to receive, too. Continuing to care for others, but asking for care, too. Showing up for your people, and naming you want others to show up for you, too. Both/and, baby. That’s what I’m all about.

The Art of Interdependence begins on April 29th.

Learn all about it and sign up here.

With care and solidarity always,

Emmy