The Art of Interdependence
No more codependency OR hyper-independence.
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of the constant all-or-nothing binaries. In life and in healing.
I grew up being spoonfed the notions of codependency by our culture:
“a romantic partner will complete you.”
“do whatever it takes to get them to stay.”
“They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you” (thanks for that one, Lana Del Rey)
And where did these notions land me? In an abusive relationship that began at age 15 and lasted almost 3 years.
Nearly my entire high school experience was dominated by the notion that I was never good enough unless he loved me, and earning that love got harder, and harder, and harder.
I’ve talked about it many times. I’m not gonna go fully into it today.
But here’s what happened in the aftermath of that relationship:
I did what I knew. And what I knew was codependency.
I knew how to stay safe and achieve SOME form of love through fawning, pleasing, and serving.
My attachment system was so skewed towards anxiety that I had no idea who I was unless a man was loving me, picking me, choosing me.
So I walked through the world doing everything I could to “earn” that love.
I went for emotionally unavailable guys who were not ready or looking for a real relationship.
I pushed away kind, sweet, available guys who probably would have actually treated me right.
I committed to a guy who wasn’t *as bad* as my abuser, but who relished the opportunity to have a girl devoted to his happiness and eager to serve him.
Codependency fueled all the decisions I made.
And in some ways, I got what I wanted. I had someone to love, someone to be with, someone to place my attention upon so I could ignore the trauma that was festering within me.
But codependency-based relationships (and situationships) never made me happy in an authentic, soul-level way. They never ever made me feel complete. They never solved my problems. They never made me feel truly safe enough to be myself.
So when I had finally had enough and left my last toxic relationship, I declared I was done. Something had to change. And as the pendulum swung, hyper-independence embraced me with open arms.
Hyper-independence said to me:
“the solution to all the pain is closing your heart. don’t trust anyone.”
“you don't need anyone or anything, just yourself.”
“don’t lean on people. it’s not safe.”
Hyper-independence, in many ways, was a beautiful thing. It did, after all, help me break the cycle. I never landed in a codependent, toxic, or abusive relationship again.
But when it came to connection, hyper-independence was a curse.
What I know now is this: healing from relational wounds does not happen in isolation. It happens in safe connection. NOT enmeshment, where we have no boundaries or autonomy. Connection - where we can be both our authentic selves and in relationships (not just romantic) with loving, safe others.
And that, my friends, is what Interdependence is all about.
Trauma (and society) teaches us so many extremes about relationships:
“A romantic partner will complete you. Do whatever it takes to get them to stay.”
…or…
“You don’t need anyone or anything. All you need is yourself to be happy.”
But nature teaches us something else...
That it is normal, natural, and healthy to depend on others…
And we don’t have to compromise our integrity or sacrifice ourselves to be in a loving relationship.
Trauma teaches us to approach life in extremes to help us survive.
Independence presents us with a more balanced, sustainable, and joyful option.
Interdependence has taken a lot of time and intention for me to embody. I am not perfect at it. But I can tell you with certainty that this approach has enriched my life and relationships beyond what words can describe.
It’s led me to a marriage in which I feel both free and grounded in love.
I feel safe to be my authentic self and care deeply about my impact on my loved ones.
I can lean on people when I’m going through it, without expecting them to solve my problems or complete me.
Interdependence has helped me feel alive. And it’s helped me heal from my abusive relationship, too.
So here’s the reason I’m sharing all of this with you today:
I created a new course.
It’s called the Art of Interdependence.
And it begins April 29th.
I would absolutely love to have you in the program if you’re at a place in life where you’re tired of the rigid binaries this world and trauma give us, and you’d like a softer approach to relationships. You’re tired of relationships that feel draining or the isolation that comes with hiding your true needs and wants from those you love. You’re ready to explore what could change when you approach relationships through the lens of Interdependence.
Early bird discounts are available now until April 15th, so now’s a great time to learn more and join us if this feels like the right place for you to land this Spring.
With hope and gratitude always,
Emmy